Week Commencing 14th April 2008

Daphne's Vibrating Poetry Corner.

  
Green daffodils floating on a serene sea of simplicity.
 

Bumble bees and tins of fruit agog in wild profusion.

Pink and purple and red and elastic
The walnut mushroom hides in the corner
And an old woman trips over a waistcoat.
Tinkle tinkle tinkle.

Oh wrinkled evil ancient hag
Veiled in a cloak of respectability.
Sits in her washing machine
Silently shouting and shelling peas. Abracadabra it's a trick.

Reporter: Ruth Smith

Butchers Meat Bashing causes pain.

Outraged butcher, Tewkesbury Ptolman Jnr said he may move his business after authorities ordered him to stop chopping meat before 8 a.m. because it is too noisy.

Ptolman, 51, who said he is "the last English-style butcher" in his area of Suffolk, has been ordered by Stackton Tressel officials to stop chopping meat in the morning because he is disturbing locals. Ptolman said the order will force him to leave the business he has owned for 13 years. "I'm the last English-style butcher in Stackton Tressel & Stackton Parva and I'm probably going to be going. Soon it will just be supermarkets or halal butchers left and they don't suit everybody's needs. It's very sad," he told the Stackton Tressel Bugle reporter.

Ptolman was ordered to pay for soundproofing his building, but refused, saying the council should not have given him a butcher lease if it was going to be too loud.

Reporter: Paul Dunford

DOORS OPEN WITH HINGE!

PAUL EVANS Political Analyst and Town Hall Blogger questions Dr Hinge's Manifesto.

What prompted you to enter local politics?
Stackton has become slack and seedy and some habits are seriously threatening the ozone layer. We need to make our lovely town a healthier and greener place to live. So let's cut out the waste, get back to basics, respect one's elders, and eat more greens - this is my personal manifesto.

What is your health and fitness regime?
I cycle everywhere. I am very much the local bike as residents will testify.

What is your relationship with Dame Hilda Bracket?
So many things bind us together - day and night. It can be a rollercoaster dear, full of highs and lows but living with a legend (Dame Hilda's words not mine you understand) brings its compensations. My 'claim' is still under consideration. (laughter)

Black or White?
I think green dear.

Hotel or Motel?
Definitely a bit of both.

Crisps or crepe?
Crepe every time - you have to keep regular, don't you agree?

Thank you Dr Hinge for being so candid with our readers. Good luck in the May elections.

Doctor Hinge has for the last 6 elections, been returned unopposed and as yet there are still no other interesting candidates to challenge her.

Next week:
Fraulein Straussus: The Vienna Schnitzel party (the political arm of the Stackton Strudel appreciation society)

Teddy Tranter defends his cross dressing past

New link road uproar

Make Stackton "One Way" protest

 
HAT PINS TO THE FORE
An angry protest has taken place outside the Stackton council offices.
Teddy Tranter was reported to faint with apprehension when a large
group of Stackton ladies protested about the acceptance of the Council to allow a change of use of the Better Wear ladies hat shop to become a fish and chip shop. Dame Hilda Bracket declared that
it must not be allowed to happen for where would she buy her new hat each year to watch Royal Ascot on the television.  Dr.Hinge was very sniffy, claiming that she could already smell the fish and the hot fat.  Yes added Dame Hilda, Evadne has a dislike of fish since an unfortunate incident on the wet counter of the CO-OP at Frinton.   All ladies present including a large contingent from the Waywood House for single mothers, signed a petition to the Council objecting to the change of use.
Eventually constable Ballsover was discovered in the Smoke and Dragon and was persuaded to attend the demonstration to plead with the ladies to go home.   Everyone eventually left quietly,
except for Dr.Hinge who sent home for her tent and primas declaring that she would not be moved.

 

 

 

 

Reporter; Frank Belsey

School celebrates 'outstanding' report

PUPILS and staff at a Suffolk high school returned from the Easter break on a high after the school received a glowing Ofset report.

Stackton Tressel Girls High School was described as “outstanding” by the education watchdog and “revelling” in its new status.

Classrooms and corridors were “brimming over with colourful displays of pupils' achievements”, creating a “wonderful environment” for learning.

The report said the 21-pupil school “strives for the very best for its pupils” and central to this success was the outstanding leadership.

Head teacher Miss Daphne Primley said: “Everyone is absolutely thrilled with this report. Our school aims to provide high-quality, challenging and stimulating teaching, matched to the differing needs of our pupils, and this report confirms that we are doing just that.

Maud Print, the part time cleaner has announced her retirement after hearing the news. She stated "I am pleased to announce that I feel I have done an excellent job and retiring on this high note is the best way to go"  

Dame Hilda Bracket stated "In my many years of friendship with Miss Primley I was pleased to be asked to perform a celebration evening in light of this great achievement" Doctor Evadne Hinge has also announced she will accompany at the Piano Forte for this very special occasion.

The ladies have announced that the opening song will be "Three Little Maids" followed by some classics by Dear Ivor, G&S & Noel Coward.

Reporter: Paul Dunford

TAKE COVER!

Unexploded bomb found in Utopia Limited's Garden

The alarm rang round the town earlier today when an unexploded bomb was discovered in the grounds of Utopia Ltd. Dr Evadne Hinge was digging up her organic vegetable patch when all of a sudden she came face to face with something big, long and shiny. "I thought I'd seen the last of one of those in the blackout" said the Doctor when interviewed by our reporter. "Just one more poke and I would have been blown away". Dame Hilda Bracket whose home she shares with the Doctor also commented " I dialled 999 at once when I heard the commotion and then joined Evadne in the Anderson shelter - it was just like the Blitz all over again. Stackton Bomb Disposal team were on the scene in a jiffy. The lovely sergeant, tall for his height, put us both at ease. I wonder if he's married".
The defused doodlebug will shortly join other exhibits in Stackton Museum's 'Dig For Victory' display cabinet.
 Reporter: Paul Evans

 

Garage Sale at Utopia Ltd.

 Dr Evadne Hinge invites you to a have a rummage through her drawers this weekend.

Come along and support this charity clear-out. All proceeds in aid of local good causes. Honesty box by the shed.

 Amongst the bric-a-brac, discover a well-thumbed first edition of the The Joy of Herbs, signed by the author, an incomplete compendium of Ivor Novello scores, a maroon twin set and matching macramé beret, and a machine-turned metronome - in need of a good makeover (the metronome not the Doctor of course!) Organically sourced juices and jam sponge also available.

 Dame Hilda will provide musical moments in the lean-to in the event of inclement weather.

 

Doors open at 11 prompt.

 RADIO STACKTON

Winner of the 2008 'Wireless with a Wow Factor!' Award (sponsored by the Friends of Hilversum)

 Programme

 10.00am Thought for the Week

 

(Reverend Donald Smollett)

 10.15am Tropical Tressel – my Desert Island discs (Dame Hilda Bracket)

 10.45pm Interlude (courtesy of Birdsong FM)

 11.00am Book Club – Whisky Galore The Journal of A Hebridean Housewife  

(Morag McWhirter-Hinge)

 2.30pm The Stackton Soapbox: Have Your Say! (Silence is Golden – Miss Pullett Stackton Librarian)

 3.00pm Women's Hour (Today's Recipe - Gingerbread Men )

 4.00pm   Evensong from St. Oswald's

 6.00pm   Epilogue
 

(Stackton Mini Cabs use this frequency throughout the night).        295 MW

 

ADVERTISEMENTS

 

 

Say no more!
Dear Doctor,
    Last week I went to a local Stackton beauty spot looking for edible nuts and berries to perk up my breakfast each morning, sad to say after a hard afternoons foraging I came away with very little to show for my efforts. This week I have developed an unsightly rash, could I be allergic to nuts?
Signed
worried of Stackton

Dear Worried,

I suspect that you are thinking that if it was treated as a nut allergy, more people would know about it.
 I would suggest you watch what nuts or berries you grab whilst foraging and maybe just buy a cereal that has the fruits included, like Stackton K.

SOLUTION to last weeks word grid

1

 

L

A

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N

D

R

Y

2

N

U

N

T

O

N

 

 

3

 

S

M

O

L

L

E

T

4

 

S

A

P

 

 

 

 

5

 

 

G

I

L

 

 

 

6

R

O

S

A

 

 

 

 

7

P

T

O

L

E

M

A

N

8

B

O

O

T

H

B

Y

 

9

M

A

U

D

 

 

 

 

 

All content in the above paper is fiction and no harm is intended to its readers in any way shape or form. www.hingeandbracket-official.co.uk Copyright Paul Dunford