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STACKTON IS GOING TO THE DOGS!
Rumours were rife earlier today that
Crufts will be bringing their celebrated canine competition
to Stackton Tressel this summer. 'Two well-wishers' (who
have asked to remain anonymous) got in touch with the Bugle
first thing to tell us what they'd overheard in the post
office queue. From a few whispered remarks by the stationery
counter, it seems that Stackton Forest is about to become
the latest venue for doggers across the county.
However, we would ask readers not to get over excited at the
prospect of parading their pampered pooches. Further
enquiries established that our confidential sources confused
the nation's pre-occupation with their pets with a very
different British pursuit which has a growing following of
exhibitionists - if media reports are to be believed. So if
you go down to the woods today, you're sure of a big
surprise! You have been warned.
Parking permits required.
'No turning allowed'. |
MURDER MOST HORRID!
Calling all super sleuths in Stackton? Have you got what it
takes to search for clues and solve a hideous murder? If so,
then the 'Murder Mystery Weekender' break in Westport Bay is
just waiting for you.
Miss Dodie Bantock, resident chanteuse and former star of
stage and saloon bar, along with her celebrated 'partner in
crime' Courtney Pines, invite you to stay at their newly
refurbished hotel on the sea front. All mod cons, cruet, and
clean towels every other day. So will it be a case of poison
in the pantry, mistaken identity on the mezzanine or what
the butler really saw in the back passage? You decide!
Here are just a few of the rave reviews from last year's
budding detectives:
'We had a lorra laughs'
Cilla Black
'Simply the best hands-on
experience I've had in years. I am so glad I came."
Dr Evadne Hinge PTH
" A forensic feast for all
the family" The Sherlock Holmes Appreciation Society
- Stackton Branch
"Dodie Bantock is such a
natural at playing dead. After all, she's been corpsing
throughout all of her singing career!" Dame
Hilda Bracket
Reporter: Paul Evans |
DR HINGE
RISES AGAIN!
The Alhambra Picture House and Music Hall is set to re-open
its doors next month following extensive refurbishment.
Among its hidden treasures is a wonderful Wurlitzer known
locally as "The Beast" (one of only three fully functioning
organs still operating in the cinema today). First to lay
hands on this magnificent specimen will be Dr Evadne Hinge
who told us. "What a relief - no more hand cranking to get
it up. Just a flick of a switch. I guarantee the audience
will gasp with delight when confronted by this great
instrument rising up from the floor beneath them, with me
astride it" . When questioned about its technical features,
she went on to say" I haven't been confronted with so many
knobs in years".
Dame Hilda Bracket, tireless champion of the arts scene in
Stackton, local campaigner and patron of the Alhambra appeal
fund, is looking forward to the gala opening night. "We'll
be showing Gone With The
Wind, which reminds me dear, I must get along to the
chemists before they close. Everything's become very organic
since Evadne took charge in the kitchen."
Reporter: Paul Evans |
BATTLE OF
THE AIRWAVES REACHES STACKTON!
Broadband may be set to engulf the
townsfolk of Stackton Tressel but not if Dr Evadne Hinge has
anything to do with it. A petition drawn up by Dr Hinge has
already attracted 4 signatures and will be sent to the Prime
Minister at the end of the month. 'I am sure Mr McMillan
will be sympathetic to our plight' said the defiant Doctor
from her command centre in the shed at Utopia Ltd. "I don't
want strange men crawling all over us with their rods and
shafts, grunting and groaning as they fumble in the dark for
a good connection. I am reliably informed they come from all
over and leave such a mess. I simply won't take this lying
down!". Our reporter caught up with Dame Hilda in between
rehearsals for her celebrated role as Tosca. " Well dear I
don't know what all the fuss is about. She may be my
colleague and oldest friend but Evadne's finally un-hinged!
All this fighting talk. She thinks she Churchill. More like
Canute. Evadne desperately needs a digital makeover, well
any sort of makeover really! I keep telling her to get rid
of all that rusty old equipment but she insists it gives her
so much pleasure. Sad isn't it !"
(As part of Stackton's
'Digital Debate' , Dr Hinge will be speaking at the
community centre tonight. Her talk is entitled 'Anarchy or
Analogue?'. All welcome. No hecklers.) |
SITUATIONS VACANT
Maison Renee on the
High Street is looking for a new stylist to join her
experienced team one the re-fit is complete. Hours are
flexible.
So whether your tonsorial talent amounts to no more
than a simple blow or you're just good with tongs and
looking for some 'Hands On' experience-as long as you can
guarantee full satisfaction, then our demanding customers
want your body today!
Starting
salary is 8 guineas. Luncheon vouchers. No hidden extras.
Wipe clean overalls supplied. Call in today and we'll see if
you've got what it takes.
Since the temporary closure graffiti
artists (VANDALS) have defaced the front of the building.
Town Clerk, Teddy Tranter
and Constable Ballsover are disgusted at the blight of
Stackton High Street and are appealing to Councillor Singe
to have CCTV installed. Dame
Hilda Blacket who is a regular patron at Renee's stated "I
have never been so upset to see this vandalism on my most
patronised shop, what these brats need is a good stiff
talking too with a slipper" Maison Renee's re-opens in 2
weeks. Reporters: Paul E / Paul D |
Cross Dressing event
confusion
A Suffolk High School held
an event in which kids were encouraged to dress as members
of the opposite gender drew the ire of a religious radio
group, whose angry broadcast prompted outraged calls to
Stackton Town Clerk, Teddy Tranter.
Students at Stackton High School had been dressing in costume all last
week as part of an annual school tradition called Wacky
Week. On Friday, students were encouraged to dress either as
senior citizens or as members of the opposite sex.
A local resident informed the Mr Tranter, Voice of Stackton
on Friday, who then got in touch with SFM 69.5 (Snore FM)
reporter who quoted...
"We believe it's the wrong message to send to students,"
said Jim Snottbox, the network's program director. "Our
station is one that promotes traditional family values. It
concerns us when a school district strikes at the heart and
core of the family values. To promote this to school
students is a great error."
After the program aired, both the school and Suffolk School
District office were flooded with calls complaining about
the event.
The response surprised Joint Heads, Miss Daphne Primley & Mr Arkley
Barnett, who said no one had raised any objections
beforehand. They said a flyer detailing Wacky Week had been
sent home with children the prior week, and an announcement
was also included in teacher newsletters.
The dress-up day was not an attempt to promote
cross-dressing, homosexuality or alternative gender roles,
Town Clerk Teddy Tranter said.
About 40 percent of the student body dressed up last Friday, Mr Tranter
estimated, with half portraying senior citizens and half
dressing as the opposite sex.
Dame Hilda with Nephew, Julian
Dame Hilda Bracket once got
confused about this, she said " I remember lending my watch
to my nephew, Julian who wore it to a party where they all
got dressed up and shouted at each other".
Mr Barnett said
"I can assure you we will not be having this day (again)"
Reporter: Paul Dunford |
Moon
Madness on a Half Day Closing
The full moon bathes in the gloom
of Cobbett's wood.
Oh foolish moon! Ruled by pure
virginity.
Old Mr Priggle pours wet concrete on his
mesembryanthemums.
Alas he is alone!
Silence reigns amidst the sound of a thousand
cataphonic cats
And the rumblings of an ant working its
mandibles.
An isoteric haystack faintly quivers as the
farmers wench and Willy Small search for a
needle.
And as the moon casts a glow on Cobbett's wood
an earthworm sings its poignant song.
COCKADOODLE DOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
 Daphne Primley
Poetic Reporter: Ruth Smith
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Hilda’s
Handy Hints
As
you all know Dear friends, Evadne and I are keen gardeners. We have
a large garden here at Utopia Ltd full of delicious things such as
Roses. Some of our favourites are Vilma Bankey, Dear old Harry
Wheatcroft and Athena Siler.
Unfortunately even Grand Dames
like myself sometimes suffer an infestation. Greenfly Dear!!! Or
even Black fly. Horrid Smelly little creatures.
One way to get rid of the
little pests is to invest in a high priced control spray, but one
can find it stains ones gardening gloves. Another way, and by far
the easiest and cheapest (Good for when one is watching the pennies
as the good doctor and myself sometimes have to do) is to make ones
own spray.
Simply make a charming infusion
of Elderberry leaves in warm water and spray the roses with that
when cooled. Another way – but not one favoured by myself – is to
under plant ones roses with garlic. That reminds me too much of
those smelly little foreigners, The French!
An old remedy worth remembering
is to tuck banana skins round the base of your rose bushes. The
roses find them a real treat – Just like Evadne. She does like a
banana chopped onto her Grape nuts when the weather gets warmer.
Reporter: Sam Clarke |
