Week Commencing 28th April 2008 - 19th May 2008 (FINAL EDITION)

SPECIAL URGENT NOTICE
Dr. Evadne Hinge regrets that the planned recital of 78rpm recordings to be given at the cake decorators hut on May Day afternoon has had to be postponed.  Dr.Cringe has run out of fibre needles and will not use steel needles because of the damage that they do to the grooves, and she cannot afford to let that happen to the much treasured and rare recordings that she has in her collection, some of which include a special arrangement of Carmen for George Formby and banjo and one of the worlds greatest contraltos
Kathleen Ferrier performing probably the first ever "crossover" recording of a selection from Oklahoma on a double 12inch.
Lucky gal, added Dame Hilda Cracket, I never got onto a 12inch, had to make do with 10.   

Both ladies have searched high and low at their residence but no fibre needles have come to light, however Dr. Hinge has two fibre needle sharpening machines in full working order standing by in case any should be found.

In the search Dame Hilda thought she had spied a box of them under Dr. Hinge's bed, but it turned out to be a forgotten mouse trap, and she just avoided having it snap at her fingers.    Lucky it didn't get Evadne she declared, she has enough trouble keeping up with my "Gangway" without having fingers in splints.
A final plea goes out to anyone who knows where Dr. Hinge can obtain a further supply of fibre needles in which case the Afternoon Treasures of 78rpm will be re-scheduled.

Reporter: Frank Belsey
IT'S A WRAP

The Stackton Parva pet store owner is calling a police constable a hero for saving her from the coils of a 12-foot Burmese python doing its best to turn her into a meal. Melanie Masters had reached into a cage Thursday to show the huge snake to a customer when it bit her right hand and coiled around her left arm to throw her to the floor.   

Mrs Maud Print who happened to be at the store kept the snake off her neck and body while police were called. When Constable Ballsover rushed into the store, he was ready to kill the snake with his knife.

But Masters asked him to spare the expensive python, so Ballsover put on gloves and pried open the snake's mouth to free her hand.

Two responders from the Stackton Fire Department helped unwrap the snake, which was eventually returned to its cage.

Miss Masters called Constable Ballsover a hero.

"He was the bravest guy ever. He went way above and beyond the call of duty," she told The Bugle.

Miss Masters suffered dozens of puncture wounds, but she, the sergeant and the python were fine.

Mrs Print was reminded of the day she went into the pet shop when the old manager used to sell Monkeys & Gorillas and she was stupid enough to stick her finger in one of the cages. The little monkey bit her finger and clamped tightly until she managed to free her finger by poking the monkey in the eye with her other hand. She stated "A lesson is learnt here today"

Reporter: Paul Dunford

Learner Driver causes nuisance in Stackton Tressel

Driving carefullyStackton High School Headmistress, Miss Primley was giving Maud Print driving lessons last Tuesday afternoon when Maud having difficulty keeping on the road swerved and hit a tree. Both occupants deny that Maud was trying to read the notice so had bent down to ferret her 'readers' from her capacious handbag thus hitting the tree before she could put them on. Both occupants also deny being given a large glass of a well known sherry by a well known Dame. The court will decide next Friday. They have both been warned they could face the possibility of having to pay to have the signs re-erected. Admiral Churchill Stackton Direct Insurance are looking into the claim and their decision will be based upon court hearing next week.

Reporters: Ruth Smith & Paul Dunford

SCRUBBERS SET TO SWEEP THROUGH STACKTON'S STREETS!

The Keep Stackton Tidy campaign was re-launched earlier today by Dame Hilda Bracket who officiated at a short ceremony outside the Town Hall. In her address to a small group of litter patrol wardens and well-wishers, she chose a favourite line from Gilbert and Sullivan to lament the state of Stackton's streets "Here's a pretty state of things - here's a pretty how-de-do!". She went on to say "Stackton was once as smart as paint, the jewel in the crown of cleanliness and clean living. A veritable  Koh-I-Noor! But now, alas, our lovely town is now drowning in detritus and all manner of waste".

Swapping her best gloves and sporting a plainer pair of rubber Council issue, she encouraged all present to wear some protection "when going hard at at" adding "It's dirty work. So let's stiffen our resolve and put our backs into it". Dame Hilda was joined on the civic platform by Town Clerk, Teddy Tranter.

 A very shoddy erection according to one observer although noting it was a cold day. The Town Clerk praised the efforts of Stackton's scrubbers who worked the streets tirelessly for the benefit of local residents - usually well into the night. "We should be very proud of our litter pluckers" he said. A growing number of  residents are regularly checking their back alleys before getting in touch to tell me " the pluckers have been at it again!"  

Reporter: Paul Evans

CLASSIFIED SECTION
 

Personal
Oo la laa. You've tried the rest, now sample the best! French lessons available from experienced tutor. You'll be rolling your r's like a pro in no time.Call me now on Stackton 295. Diction a speciality.

Furniture
Dining Table. One careful owner. Wobbly legs and worms down one side.
 

For sale - 100 year old four poster bed. Ideal for antique lovers.


Produce
Chickens for sale at Stackton Home Farm. Going cheep.
 

Clothing
For Sale - prison uniform. In good nick.

Books

For Sale - Well worn encyclopaedia for sale. The wife - she knows everything! Serious offers only. Must collect.

 

Keeping fit by Jim Naseum (£2)

 

Novelty T-Shirts

£10 each

 

Gardening

Does the man in your life have a small holding? Looking for more? Then grow your own with confidence.

 At 'Allotments R'Us' 

we have all shapes and sizes available. You won't be disappointed. Apply today.

 

Pets

For Sale - One Useless Cat

 

To advertise on here e-mail pictures & details.

Business Parking At Local Bank Is Of Interest

 

 

 

 

Local businessman Henry Ponsonby-Smythe walks into Stackton West Abbey Bank and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to his Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the £7,000 and the interest, which comes to £19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow £7,000?"

The businessman replied, "Where else in Suffolk can I park my car for two weeks for £20 quid?"

Reporter: Paul Dunford

Exhausting Graphic Design

Suffolk bus company, Deliva noticed a huge misplace of policing on the back of one of their newly liveried buses. The sticker advertising Hampshire Police, shown above, had the buses exhaust pipe in a rather worrying area of the policeman's picture.

Deliva spokesman, Roger Poke, told our reporter that the bus has been taken off of the road for modifications to said exhaust.

Reporter: Paul Dunford

THE STARS SHINE OUT AT STACKTON'S GALA CELEBRATIONS

 A gala evening took place last night at the Opera House to mark the Town Council Association's annual conference sponsored by Stackton Tressel Chamber of Commerce. A varied programme enthralled the specially invited audience comprising civic dignitaries and county cognoscenti. The highlight was Dame Hilda Cracket's Tosca, recalling some of her triumphal appearances with the Rosa Charles Opera Company. In an unscheduled change of tempo, after countless curtain calls, the lights dimmed once more and as a final encore, the hushed audience was treated to an emotional rendition of 'I can give you the starlight' which brought a lump to the throats of all present and a standing ovation. As ever, musical direction and stage lighting were in the very capable hands of Dr Evadne Winge. "Her orchestration affected us all, as did the interval crudités" commented one conference veteran upon emerging flushed from the executive loo, closely followed by several members of the male chorus. "There's nowt so queer as folk" was the gritty observation of the managing director of Stackton Dining Club and Sauna, the conference co-ordinator.

Reporter: Paul Evans

OAP shoplifter lacks bite

A 70-year-old shoplifter tried to evade capture by biting an arresting officer before realising he'd left his dentures at home. Pensioner Arnold Pilfer turned on the policeman when he grabbed him as he ran out of a clothes shop in Stackton Parva, after stealing a shirt.

But instead of sinking his teeth into the officer's arm, he was only able to leave a wet mark from his gums.

Police spokesman Neil E. Addim said: "He tried to bite the officer several times, but had forgotten to put his false teeth in and so was unable to cause him any harm."

Public safety notice

 

WORD SEARCH

Hidden below are 16 words related to people or places in Stackton Tressel. They appear either up or down, left to right, right to left or diagonally in either direction! Can you find them all AND the special ‘mystery word’?

 

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Click here for Solution

 

Tars and Tripe

 Hip hip hooray for the USA!
To mighty nation adulation,
With in dependence gained ascendance,
President Lincoln changed his thinking.
Life was full for Sitting Bull
Who with bravery and bluster
Made a mess of general Custer.
That time no win for Errol Flynn.
  Hip hip hooray for the US of A!
Things were good in Hollywood.
It was thrilling Beverly Hilling.
With star names fun and games,
Love and laughter they were after.
Expensive food , expensive vino.
Then a quick dash off to Reno.
After that of course - divorce.
 Hip hip hooray for the US of A!
Great wild west stage brushed dressed.
Buffalo Bill and Diamond Lil.
Prohibition ammunition.
Alcatraz and all that jazz.
 Hip hip hooray for the US of A!
Franklin D came to be
Britain's friend with
His lease lend.
Because of Roosevelt we could loose a belt.
Make the grade with martial aid.
We welcomed in the piping Yankee,
Who liked a spot of hanky panky.
There were tides of GI brides.
 Hip hip hooray for the USA!
For Goodman's swing and dear old Bing.
Cards for credit yeah you said it.
Conditioned air and Fred Astaire.
John Wayne the star for hell you are.
Three cheers for the great Statue of Liberty
Who always looked so flibberty gibberty.
Sort of wench  She's French
 
Written on a carrier bag by  Daphne Primley  

Poetic Reporter: Ruth Smith

BOWLED OVER WITH SUCCESS!!
 

The Stackton Tressel Ladies Bowls Team beat off stiff opposition to take them through the semi final stage of the Bel Ombrage Cup. "We're just a few weeks away from our climax" said a jubilant Dame Hilda Bracket, Stackton's songbird and bowls captain when interviewed later the same day. However celebrations were cut short when a phone call confirmed that Peggy Tranter would be unable to drive the team minibus having had to be helped off the green when she collided with the vicar's bowls'. "It's a long time since I've taken the wheel" Dr Evadne Hinge told our reporter." She still hasn't returned it!" quipped Dame Hilda, adding that on the last coach trip with Dr Hinge, she broke down near Burton on Trent. "Too many memories I suspect".

Dr Hinge confirmed that the big end had let her down but after a lot of manipulation, she soon had the faulty part firing on all cylinders once again, much to the relief of everyone including the driver.

 

 

 

 

 

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These adverts are fun and were not made by myself, they were on various websites. No harm is meant by them, by me.

All content in the above paper is fiction and no harm is intended to its readers in any way shape or form. www.hingeandbracket-official.co.uk Copyright Paul Dunford