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January - March 2009 Edition
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THE CREDIT CRUNCH HAS COME TO STACKTON!
The deepening recession continues as yet another familiar name
disappears from the High Street. It was announced earlier today
that Stackton's sole surviving independent undertaker has
finally gone under.
 Family proprietor Doug Hole polished the
brass knobs on his caskets for the last time lamenting " We just
couldn't compete with the Co-op". Local resident and personal
friend Naomi Mellinger told our roving reporter Paul E, " Doug
could always be relied upon to give his clients that personal
touch. He was on hand day or night and will be a hard act to
follow. I shall miss the horses too". "So will I" added Dr
Evadne Hinge who overhead this street side interview. " I always
had a shovel handy whenever his cortege passed by the Old Manse.
My organic mushrooms just won't be the same again".
When asked how she was coping with the credit crunch, Dame Hilda
Bracket said she never ate cereal at breakfast, before going on
to reassure consumers that the Musical Emporium would rise to
the challenge of the economic downturn. "BOGOF is not the way to
treat one's customers dear, so tacky and tasteless I've always
thought so don't expect that sort of thing from us, but the
Doctor and I have decided to organise an 'Austerity Auction'
next month, sponsored by the Women's Gas Federation, at which
all sorts of lovely things from the shop will be sold off in aid
of the vicar's relief fund which is such a desperately deserving
cause and in need of stimulation from wherever he can get it if
what I overhead in the vestry last Sunday is to be believed".
Dame Hilda went on to say that other local charities would
benefit also, stating that "Dr Hinge and I expect to bring
pleasure to a lot of people. I am going to be the auctioneer on
the day of course - it will be such a thrill to mount the
rostrum. I have been practising for days!" "The Doctor has been
hard at it too of course - on her hands and knees I shouldn't
wonder - ably assisted by our old friend Major Dirrenforth who
volunteered to help us out. I think they must be exploring every
nook and cranny in search of items for the sale as they've been
in the stock room for days!"
Editor's note: BOGOF is retail jargon for Buy One Get One Free!
Reporter: Paul Evans |
Poetry Corner
Although it is not widely known, Major Wilberforce J
Worthington-Fitzpatrick is a very talented poet (his words, not
ours) and he has agreed to write some poetry for inclusion in
the Bugle. This is his first contribution.
When I was a lad, I discovered I had
a
very distressing condition.
It caused me much pain and time and again,
I
was left in an awkward position.
When I went a courting, it was really quite daunting,
the ladies were most unamused.
My advances they’d spurn, but I just wouldn’t learn
and I ended up battered and bruised.
Major W J
Worthington-Fitzpatrick
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Memories of an Old Soldier
I caught up with Major Wilberforce J Worthington-Fitzpatrick
at the home of Dame Hilda Bracket and Dr Evadne Hinge and he
shared some of his memories of his early days in the army.
 “I can still recall my days as a young soldier and in
particular I remember the Sergeant Major with great
fondness. He was a very strict man who dealt with
miscreants very severely and he held sessions every night
for this purpose. As a young lad, this left its mark on me
and my cheeks still burn even today when I think of it.
However, there was another side to him – he may have been
strict, but he was also fair. He would hold sessions to
reward deserving young soldiers and it is heart-warming to
remember the faces of those boys coming from his quarters
with huge smiles on their faces, some with expressions of
stunned surprise, no doubt overcome at the lengths to which
this man would go to keep his boys happy”.
“I am considering writing my memoirs if I’m not too busy
with the rehearsals, although perhaps it would be good for
me to have something else to focus on, considering the
recent problems I have had performing”.
I asked Dame Hilda if a performance was likely after last
month’s was cancelled. She replied “We are still holding
sessions here at Utopia Ltd, but I’m trying not to put too
much pressure on the Major to perform. He says it is very
hard for him, but I don’t find it hard at all and I’m
staying with the hands-on approach and applying gentle
pressure”.
Will we be treated to a public performance in the near
future? We live in hope!
Reporter: Ruth Oxtaby |
FOR SALE For sale: an antique desk
suitable for lady with thick legs
and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old.
Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your
ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.
For Sale. Three canaries of
undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a
German Shepherd and an Alaskan
Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Dog for sale: eats anything and
is fond of children.
Toaster: A gift that every member
of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast. |
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Concert Performance Suffers Set-Back
Plans for a concert performance with Dame Hilda Bracket and
Major Wilberforce J Worthington-Fitzpatrick may have to be put
on hold due to illness.
It was revealed that for many years the Major has been suffering
from a severe form of clumsiness which renders him impotent in
performing everyday tasks and has left him unable to have
children. The condition can also affect the speech. Says the
Major, “Many years ago I lived in Winkers Lane, but had to move
as my inability to pronounce it caused me much embarrassment”.
When asked how things were shaping up after last night’s
rehearsals, Dame Hilda replied “Of course I really feel for the
Major, well I certainly did last night when he was unable to
perform. I tried everything to coax something out of him and
I’m very hands-on in my approach”.
It now seems very unlikely the concert will go ahead. Dame
Hilda asked the Major if he would be willing to stick it out and
he replied “I can assure you, my dear lady, I will do my utmost
best”. However, he couldn’t promise anything and the best
option may be to break it off.
However, it was suggested that Dr Evadne Hinge join them to make
up a threesome. Dr Hinge commented “As he is unable to manage
it with Hilda on her own, it is unlikely he will be able to
tackle us both at the same time. However, I am experimenting
with my herbal concoctions and hope to find a cure for the
Major’s problem. But unless anything comes up in the meantime,
I feel the performance will have to be cancelled”.
Dame Hilda agreed, adding “It left me very disappointed and
frustrated when he pulled out at the last minute”.
Reporter: Ruth Oxtaby |
WANTED
Lost: small apricot poodle.
Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping
machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick
fresh fruit and produce at night.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man wanted to work in dynamite
factory. Must be willing to travel.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent
growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow
that does not smoke or drink. Our bikinis are exciting. They
are simply the tops.
Illiterate? Write today for free
help.
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Local Celebrity Shows Off Art Collection
Professor Walter Pansy, old friend of Major Wilberforce J
Worthington-Fitzpatrick, invited us into his home, as he has
something very interesting to show us. I went along to take
a look at his impressive collection of beautiful objects.
“You’ve just caught me trying to date a little shepherd
boy”, said Professor Pansy holding a rather beautiful china
figurine. “They have very interesting marks on the
bottom”. He led me into his sitting-room which is full of
very fine china and antique furniture. “I’m going to invite
the Major to come and have a look at my collection of china
figurines. I might even give him one”.
“What I’m most proud of is my collection of oil paintings,
as I am quite a fine artist myself”, says the Professor.
“I’ve asked the Major if he would consider posing for me. I
would like to get underneath the surface and capture the
real Wilberforce in all his glory, but he mumbled something
about seeing a man about a dog and left in rather a hurry”.
“I know Wilberforce has been having a few problems of late
and the planned performance with Dame Hilda Bracket has had
to be cancelled. It could be that Dame Hilda is putting too
much pressure on him to perform and I think it would be
easier for him to do it with me. With me behind him I’m
sure he could do great things. I will help him all I can
and I know he would never turn his back on me”.
Reporter: Ruth Oxtaby
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STACKTON TRESSEL GIRLS REUNION - The Class of '38
Where are you now?? The Bugle would like to
trace the whereabouts of the following alumni and invite
them to join some of the 'old girls' on a nostalgic trip
down Memory Lane next month when they meet up with a few
former staff to reminisce about the 'good old days' at a
drinks reception and cold supper:
(The helpful comments alongside each name have been supplied
by a member of the Reunion co-ordinating committee)
Paige Turner (she always had her nose in a book)
Barb Dwyer (remembered fondly for her razor sharp wit)
Hazel Nutt (she was always squirreling something away in
her satchel)
Rose Bush (last seen at Stackton Garden Centre)
Annette Curtain (A lovely girl although a few people could
see right through her)
Sue Mee (former gossip columnist of a tabloid Sunday
newspaper)
Carrie Oakey (believed to be still touring the pubs and
clubs across the county)
Jo King (was engaged to the secretary of Stackton Comedy
Club)
Terri Bull (mad, bad or misunderstood - it was so hard to
tell most days )
"It's all terribly exciting dear" said Dame Hilda Bracket
who is patron and benefactor of our prestigious High School,
and has graciously agreed to provide a musical interlude
accompanied at the piano by her oldest friend Dr Evadne
Hinge. "Rehearsals are underway already'" confirmed the
Doctor to our reporter Paul E. " I am hoping to use the
reunion as the setting for the world premiere of my latest
opus 'Summa cum Laude' which has been years in the making.
Dame Hilda is ready to hit the high notes and it could well
turn out to be the climax of her career!" |
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Life’s A Drag!
Local celebrity, Professor Walter Pansy has been seen
leaving Arlers Department Store clutching a black chiffon
nightie and according to one of the sales assistants, he was
spotted trying on a knitted two-piece and a string of
pearls.
 Apparently Dame Hilda Bracket and Dr Evadne Hinge saw the
Professor in Arlers on the day in question.
“It’s absolutely disgusting!” says Dr Hinge. “I could see
he was trying to hide something under his raincoat, but I
couldn’t quite make out what it was. I didn’t like to look
too closely in case I didn’t like what I saw”.
“He said he was going to check out the camping equipment”,
says Dame Hilda. “But then I saw him sneaking off in the
direction of the ladies department looking very furtive. I
believe it is what they call ‘cross-dressing’. Apparently
people get cross with each other and swap clothes. If my
father was alive he would turn in his grave”.
“I’m just doing what comes naturally to me”, says Professor
Pansy. “My mother always encouraged me to be myself and she
was always the one who wore the trousers”.
Reporter: Ruth Oxtaby |
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HELP LINE?
Can any of our readers answer these
puzzling questions from our archives:
WHO is Bill Posters and why will he be prosecuted?
It's common knowledge that a cat always lands on its feet,
and buttered toast lands upside down so what would happen if
you butter a cat?
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 In
response to the petition signed by many of our regular
subscribers, The Bugle is looking to re-launch its very
popular Problems Page. We need to recruit a new 'agony aunt' to
answer the many letters we continue to receive from local
residents seeking help, advice or support. Ideally this person
should be someone of a pleasant and caring disposition with a
common sense approach to Stackton's trials and tribulations who
can give our readers the benefit of their vast experience and
expertise as a graduate from the University of Life. No
'formal' qualifications are required.
 So
do you have what it takes?? Why not give us a call today or
email the Editor for a confidential chat. To whet your appetite,
here is a heartfelt plea from the classified files of our
reporter Paul E, as yet unanswered:
To whom it may concern,
I am a lady of mature years and modest means whose mother has
outstayed her welcome. She is opinionated, demanding, rude and
makes no effort whatsoever about the house. What can I do?
Our 'guest' agony aunt Gudren
Evans (Gud for short) has drafted the following
response:
Dear lady of mature years and modest means,
Your problem is not uncommon. We can choose our friends in life
but we can't choose our relatives!
Do you agree with the above? Is it good advice? Perhaps you have
a different slant on solving this domestic dilemma? Either way,
The Bugle wants to know! You may just be the person we
are looking for. |
Letters to the Editor
Neville Whaler continues his
reminiscences below
 The
New Year found me once again in Stackton to enjoy the
celebrations and hospitality, staying at the “Cock and
Trumpet” in Stackton on the Wold. (The music was
disappointing). The traditional New Years Day concert at
Stackton Opera House was a very lively affair. The
orchestra have just purchased a beautiful grand piano,
the pianist Malmesbury Ballingham got tired of bashing
away at his old cottage upright. Fortunately Boothby
Pagnell was well enough to play in the concert, having
been admitted to Stackton Infirmary with a huge purple
swelling. He is a firm believer that if something
unpleasant comes up it’s always best to put it in the
hands of a nurse. Bingley Longhorn (pictured) and his
famed trombone wrist action, is just getting over a
serious drink problem (he keeps loosing the bottle
opener).
 Music
features so prominently during the festive season in
Stackton, and this year’s presentation by the Stackton
Choral Society was a rousing production of the
“Gondoliers” featuring our own Tewkesbury Ptolman as
“Marco” (pictured). He has recently been in London’s
West End where he had a big part in “Joseph”, and indeed
did the “Maid of the Mountains” ....twice nightly, with
a standing ovation. The production of the “Gondoliers”
was excellent, although the “Golden Rivet” seems a funny
name for a gondola. As you know dear Tewkesbury is
Stackton's renowned butcher, a purveyor of fine meats
and poultry. If you are walking down the High Street and
perchance to look in the shop window, you can often see
him taking his chopper to a fine bit of rump. Ptolmans
sausage is famous throughout the county; just ask for
his eight inch beauty. Should you visit the premises, be
warned; keep away from the big mincer, (a very cheeky
delivery boy)
The popular church
organist Dr. Evadne Hinge gave her New Year Recital at
St. Oswald's on the Tressel under the ever watchful eye
of the Rev. Donald Smollett. Although restoration of the
1839 instrument was only completed last April, the
electric wind pump had broken down. The organ chambers
had to be recharged by the wind from the choir boys
behind, pumping away, each taking their turn to give it
a blow, and with encouragement from our dear Dr. Minge.
Reporter Neville Whaler
Dear Sir
How kind it was that your correspondent ,
Neville Whaler, wrote in your Bumper Edition with such
fond memories of the Sunderland Empire - as I sit now in
my chair in he nursing home I recall our season at the
Empire with glee. It was to have been a hard winter with
much snowfall, and after a severe storm failed to
materialise Dame Hilda said to me "Boothby - where's
that eight inches you promised me ?" - I will never
forget the subsequent look on her face !
She and Dr Hinge used to warm up by throwing a tennis
ball about on the stage, of course Dr Hinge was always
throwing her hard ones, but Dame Hilda had her own
technique for catching those wayward balls and returning
them. I shall never forget the night she showed me her
snatch. When in later years I described this to Nunton
Oddstock I believe I used the words "with her lovely
soft hands she just tossed it off"
Of course in our quieter moments we would take the train
to Whitley Bay - and do a spot of fishing. Dame Hilda
loved to get her hands on my pole and was very good
about looking after the bait. I remember the first time
she was adding water to the lugworms she said "I'm just
going to put all my fingers in and make sure its really
moist" - some of the best advice I could give amateur do
it yourselfers even to this day.
It has brought back many happy memories for me to recall
our time at the old Empire - the Manager had a Club Foot
- and Dr Hinge wondered if he was paying it up at a
shilling a week.
Life here at the Bellend View isn't too bad - and when I
feel able I can still get my instrument out and give it
a good fingering .
A good New Year to you all
Boothby Pagnell
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All content in the above paper is
fiction and no harm is intended to its readers in any way
shape or form. |
www.hingeandbracket-official.co.uk |
Copyright Paul Dunford |
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