Dear Aunty, I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen? Henry Bic, Pencester

Dear Aunty, My voice is breaking and there is hair growing on my chest. Is this normal?  Sally Jenkins, 9, Stackton Parva

Dear Aunty, I have been saving up for a sex change. I don't care what my wife says...She is going to have it. Confused: Huddersfield

Dear Aunty, My wife thinks I am a compulsive liar. I think she is jealous that my reggae duet with Rio Ferdinand has reached number one. I. Bull, 50, Kent

Reporter: Paul D

Former Actor Returns to Stackton

This month really seems like a time for renewing old acquaintances.  Professor Walter Pansy, an old friend and fellow-performer of Major Wilberforce J Worthington-Fitzpatrick (himself an old friend of Dame Hilda Bracket) has recently returned to Stackton Tressel.  

Like the Major, Professor Pansy used to perform regularly in Stackton many years ago and was quite a fine actor.  With his rather feminine good looks, he often took the lead female role, but very soon discovered he found it much more enjoyable taking men’s parts.  As a young man he played the role of Strephon in Iolanthe several times, as the idea of playing the part of a fairy from the waist down greatly appealed to him.

Says the Major, “Professor Pansy has asked me to consider performing with him again, but I’m not really that way inclined.  I will give it some thought however as I know Walter has a very big talent, it sticks out a mile and he has a natural bent.  In the old days, he would bend over backwards for me and I would like to do him a favour sometime.  I know he hasn’t been very well for a while, but he is now feeling himself again, which is lovely for him”.

Reporter:  Ruth Oxtaby

Stackton Welcomes Back Local Hero

Last week Stackton welcomed back a local celebrity, Major Wilberforce J Worthington-Fitzpatrick.  The Major, who used to be quite a hit in Stackton with his rich baritone voice, has been living in a remote part of the world, unaware that the war ended over 60 years ago.

He is an old friend of Dame Hilda Bracket, another local celebrity.  Our roving reporter visited Dame Hilda and Dr Evadne Hinge, her oldest friend, at their home in Stackton.

Dame Hilda takes up the story:

“I was strolling in the park one sunny afternoon, admiring the shrubbery, when a tall man came up behind me and grabbed me by the azaleas.  To my surprise and delight it was none other than my old friend – Major Wilberforce J Worthington-Fitzpatrick.  He invited me to his home for sherry and what-not on his sofa and he’s got a nice big one you know – bright red and it doesn’t sag in the middle, and regaled me with his war stories.  You know, those boys really had to hold their own while they were up at the front and I desperately wanted to reach out to them”.

Just for old time’s sake, the Major and Dame Hilda rounded off the evening with a little private performance, the first in over 60 years.

“He hasn’t performed for such a long time, I wasn’t sure if he’d manage it” Dame Hilda told our reporter, “but with a little encouragement he remembered his old technique and we performed together beautifully, reaching a very satisfying climax”.

Dame Hilda has hinted that she and the Major may perform together in public in the near future.  Watch this space, readers!

Reporter:  Ruth Oxtaby

CHRISTMAS COMES EARLY TO STACKTON! 
After much debate, Stackton Town Council has voted to switch on the Christmas lights next weekend. "With all the current talk of doom and gloom, we wanted to brighten the lives of residents and visitors in the run up to the festive season" reported Town Clerk Teddy Tranter at the press briefing last night. He went on to say that "This year, our illuminated tableau in the High Street will focus on the people of Stackton", before confirming widespread rumours sweeping the local branch of the Soroptomists that amongst the worthy residents whose contributions are being recognised in this way will be Dr Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket. "They are the very backbone of this community" he said.
The Bugle contacted the Old Manse to be told by Mrs Maud Print that Dame Hilda could not be disturbed but was thrilled at the news. It is thought Dame Hilda will be portrayed in a dazzling and dramatic pose from one of her celebrated operatic roles. When asked about Dr Hinge, our reporter Paul E was told she could be counted on to rise to the occasion. "She lit up when she found out but she's always flashin' somitt these days" said Mrs Print " so expect a few surprises in them coloured lights!".

The Bugle has also discovered that the festive displays will be auctioned off soon afterwards in order to raise funds for St Oswald's. "My bells are truly clapped out " lamented Reverend Donald Smollett " so I am grateful for this very generous gesture by the Town Council which was prompted by Councillor Hinge whose boundless energy never ceases to amaze me night and day ".

Bugle readers will know that Dr Hinge is also the church organist and on the rota for flower arranging. It is unclear whether she declared a conflict of interest before the vote was taken. Failure to do so may jeopardise the Council's decision. (proceeding)  .

Reporter: Paul Evans

PAMPER YOUR PET
Seasonal savings and tempting offers are now available at the Furry Friends pet emporium which re-opened last month following a refit. So why not let your moggy become the cat's whiskers or treat your pooch to a full pedicure and pampering session with Pauline, the latest recruit to this expanding business. The shop leaflet proudly announces that she also provides a discreet after sales therapy and counselling service to pet owners too. " I was putty in her hands" recalls one of her clients in the well thumbed visitors book. "I don't usually go in for this sort of thing but Furry Friends helped me rediscover myself after years of denial. I just don't know what came over me in the end, but Pauline was worth every penny!"  adding that the shop gives a money back guarantee if not completely satisfied.

The Bugle can exclusively report that the Police have been keeping an eye on Pauline's movements for some time. "The local magistrate has already given her a short term extension" confirmed the local sergeant when asked about Pauline's operating licence.

The visitors book also revealed that Dame Hilda Bracket has already called upon Pauline's expertise following an altercation between her beloved Milton and a stray cat which wandered over from the Parva a month ago and keeps skulking around the outbuildings at the Old Manse. When contacted earlier today, she told our reporter " I blame Evadne of course. She will encourage it to sniff round her things. I keep on telling her to clear out that garden shed of hers but does she listen?".

(The Bugle wishes to advise its readers that , for legal reasons, this article must not be construed as an endorsement of Furry Friends or the services it offers)
Reporter: Paul Evans

IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!
It was announced yesterday that Stackton Tressel is set to go digital. A portakabin has been set up outside the library where residents can obtain information on what the switchover will mean to them. The Bugle took up position outside the portakabin this morning to gauge local reaction to the news. An early response came from Dame Hilda Bracket, who was spotted by our reporter Paul E returning her overdue book to the library before heading off to attend rehearsals for the eagerly awaited Christmas production at Stackton's Opera House.

When told that senior citizens will qualify for a free installation and safety check, Dame Hilda retorted, "Do I look like a pensioner!" but upon learning that a charming young man would call round to the Old Manse to personally test her equipment, she became much more animated, enquiring "I wonder if he's married?" before dashing off to her appointment.

Readers are reminded that this free service does not apply to hand held devices of any sort. Proof of age will be required upon entry.