October 2008 Edition

Cold-calling causes strife

It has been reported that residents of Stackton Tressel have been plagued with cold-callers, a modern day scourge of which we had hoped would by-pass us for a less salubrious part of our county.

However, on Thursday last week one of them knocked at the door of Utopia Ltd, home of Dr Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket.

The ladies housekeeper takes up the story, for it was Mrs Maud Print who had the misfortune to answer the door.

‘There I was minding me own business when I’m accosted by this man soliciting at the ladies front entrance’. She continues, ‘He asked if I ‘ad been in any accidents recently, well...I told ‘im, I ‘av to take the greatest care, what with working with other peoples bits’.

‘He asked if I realised that “where there’s a blame there’s a claim”.

‘I told him to sling ‘is ‘ook, t’was obvious by now that ‘e was put up to this by some mean and vindictive local. I may have ‘ad the odd miss-hap, but you gotta expect the odd wall to fall down or the occasional roof to go up in flames. That’s just part of normal working life….well ‘tis for me anyways’.

Dr Hinge could not be contacted to comment, due to being fitted for an item of ladies under-garment at the local Army & Navy stores. However, Dame Bracket assured this paper that although all callers were welcome, she would see to it that any insincere visitors would find it a very hard task to gain egress to the property. The ladies have since taken stringent steps to guard attempted access to their rear.

Reporter: Andy B

Local News

BACK TO BASICS

"Tupperware has never been so fashionable" commented the store manager at Arlers when asked recently about a sudden surge in sales of this sturdy but often mocked household commodity. "Ever since the media discovered that it still graces The Queen's breakfast tray, Stackton's society hostesses have been clammering to get their hands on the latest designs from our exciting range" he told our reporter Paul Evans. Sources close to Utopia Ltd confirmed a glimpse of this plastic 'must have' in the hands of Dr Evadne Hinge one morning last week. "Well I think it was a piece of tupperware" she said. "It was difficult to tell but it certainly gave her a lot of pleasure by the look on her face". Dr Hinge was unavailable for comment when The Bugle tried to contact her at the Old Manse earlier today but Dame Hilda Bracket was happy to confirm that they had been to Arlers a week ago and bought a new cruet for the kitchen table, stating that "like Her Majesty, the Doctor and I look for quality and reliability and we like to stick to routine. You might say we are very regular... well she certainly is anyway. The Doctor I mean of course!"

Reporter: Paul Evans

Forthcoming Events

READY, BEVY GO!
Stand aside home brewers and CAMRA aficianados! Dr Evadne Hinge wishes to announce that she will be hosting a wine tasting evening at Utopia Ltd next Wednesday from 7.30pm to raise funds for the vicar's relief fund. A selection of fine organic country wines will be on offer at very reasonable prices specially created from Nature's harvest by the Doctor herself and matured overnight in her garden shed. As well as some old familiar blends, there will be a few contemporary cordials to tickle the taste buds and a lot more besides.

Our reporter Paul Evans has been told that Stackton's celebrated chanteuse Dame Hilda Bracket has been persuaded to interrupt a busy schedule of rehearsals for her latest starring role and will be providing a musical interlude to stimulate the palettes of those present. Pre booking recommended to avoid disappointment. Contact the ticket hotline on Stackton 295 (not 24 hours). Pensioners discount available.
So treat yourself and your partner to a night of wine, women and song - and bring your empty bottles too. It's all in a good cause!

Reporter: Paul Evans

THE DEVIL'S IN THE DETAIL!

Plans for Stackton's annual Halloween celebrations and hotpot supper next month have come in for some unexpected controversy this year thanks to the Ways and Means committee. Chaired by Town Councillor Dr E.M.M. Hinge, members last night invoked a seldom used local bye-law to prevent the inclusion of a bareback 'daredevil' rider in the traditional costume parade which will wend its way along the High Street on 31st October and collect in aid of local charities. When asked to justify the decision, Councillor Hinge was adamant she was doing all she could to rid the town of evil doings, and upon advice from Town Clerk Teddy Tranter, the committee had agreed that a 'daredevil rider' came within the original definition of municipal malevolence, and they didn't want to encourage bare back activity on the public highway either.
"When we saw the costume design, my colleagues and I unanimously felt that his long tail would frighten the horses (pulling the parade floats - Ed), not to mention some of the bystanders, and this was totally unacceptable on health and safety grounds" she said. "Clearly a classic case of the devil's in de tail then" replied our reporter Paul Evans, as Dr Hinge mounted her tricycle before pedalling home.

Reporter: Paul Evans

SAFETY FIRST

The Stackton branch of St John Ambulance will be staging a 'Disaster Day' at the Co-op Hall on Sunday. Volunteers are desperately needed so that local activists can test their proficiency in applying poultices and bandages and generally assist the afflicted to evacuate themselves to avoid a messy pile up on the High Street.

Local president Dame Hilda Bracket believes this weekend's demonstration will be a potential life saver should a major incident occur in Stackton. She told our reporter Paul Evans that branch members are up for it. "We may be small but are beautifully formed - the new uniforms look gorgeous - and I can give your readers my personal assurance that every one of us have a firm grip on things. The volunteers can expect to have a very hard time of it but we will provide emergency relief whenever it's needed."

Dear Editor.

It appears all of Stackton Tressel's residents have had nothing to complain about this month, so our poor editor has taken a holiday.

WHEN EAST MEETS WEST!
The Bugle has learned that a Bollywood extravaganza will be taking place next month at the recently refurbished Taj Mahal Tandoori Takeaway and Tea Pavillion just off the High Street, generously sponsored by Stackton and District's Shilpa Shetty Appreciation Society. Locals have started queuing already for tickets which will feature Bhangra disco dancers and the celebrated Mogul Magician from Stackton Parva, who does novelty turns twice nightly.
Amongst the revellers will be Dame Hilda Bracket, one of our local community's movers and shakers , who has always had a penchant for the East. When asked to share her thoughts on this latest addition to Stackton's social calendar and what she was intending to wear for the occasion, she told our reporter Paul Evans "I can't wait to put on my beautiful hand stitched eau de nil sari, on special offer at Arlers. Dr Hinge is going as an old fakir which probably suits her as she'll need no make up either".

Before taking her books back to the library, she went on to say "We're all going to have such a bolly good time dear, although Maud tells me that 'there's talk in the village that them Bollywood Ball's even bigger than the Major's' but I'm afraid to say that Dr Hinge found this hard to swallow over breakfast this morning". At which point Dame Hilda was joined on the library steps by Dr Evadne Hinge who upon overhearing these remarks exclaimed 'Nonsense Hilda, nobody's balls are bigger than his... you're always going on about them!" before there was a distinct 'Sshhhhhhh' from Miss Pullitt behind the counter. Major Dirrenforth has been unavailable for comment.

Reporter: Paul Evans

Furious Vicar launches website to expose messy Stackton

Blocked drains, overhanging bushes, unfilled potholes and defaced road signs are just some of the eyesores in Stackton Tressel highlighted by a disgruntled resident’s new website.
Donald Smollett, Rector of St Oswald's On The Tressel launched ‘Stackton Is A Mess’ because he became “finally fed up and absolutely disgusted” after seeing little or no improvement to the surrounding area despite repeated calls to the authorities.

To date he has lodged about 300 complaints with Stackton council and Highways, who are responsible for maintaining the streets, including problems with 8 road signs.
Rev Smollett, told Yourstackton he first asked the council in June to deal with a tree in Parva Road which was hanging across a footpath, forcing people to walk in the road to get past it.
Three months later the offending foliage was finally cut back but he has continued to comment on the state of the footpaths, roads and signs which are still listed on the site.

Rev Smollett said: “I started up the website so other residents can see the mess that Stackton Council have left us in.
“They are happy to take our money in council tax but they do nothing with it unless we report stuff to them, and then it takes them weeks to do something.”

Others in the area and around the borough have rallied to Rev Smollett’s cause. Roger Frobisher (Ships Captain) , 66 of Stackton Drive, said “It is my opinion they only spot that which will not cost much to rectify, in case it should consequently jeopardise their jobs.

“The general public must be made aware that the council will not do anything constructive to improve lapses of cleansing or general maintenance unless they receive complaints, so it is up to us all.

Brian Plonker, Stackton council’s head of amenities, stated “An independent survey has shown that over this period we are among the top performing councils in the country in dealing with litter.”

“The cleansing and environmental response teams perform a demanding task and we would very much welcome public help and support in keeping Stackton clean and tidy.”

Reporter: Paul Dunford

All content in the above paper is fiction and no harm is intended to its readers in any way shape or form.